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[posted on: 12/31/2010 @ 04PM ]
i literally dont know what to do anymore.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

mixed media(thoughts)... [posted on: 10/03/2010 @ 09PM ]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm busy. very busy. (but I've always been).
I find it hard to make time to hang out with people. (I have time).
I find it hard to be motivated enough to hang out with people. (I want to).

I know who I was - at one short time in my life not very long ago.
I am not sure who I am now.

I feel as though I am the same person.
But I do not act the same.

In any social situation (teacher's lounge, retreat with old comrades, etc.),
I find myself listening to conversations and tricking myself into thinking I am involved in them.
During this time of listening, I feel content - I listen and have my own thoughts in my head.
I do not verbalize them.
Yet, I do not actually realize I do not say these thoughts.
I leave the event feeling as though I have shared the discussion.

Outsider is what I feel like, in the end.
People do not know who I am.
I do not know who I am.

In the end I can convince myself it is because I never hang out with people anymore and that I am too busy to keep up my social skills - yet this is an excuse that I hardly buy myself.

Growing up I always, always  dreamed of having a profession - something that is a constant challenge and learning opportunity. How boring life would be at a dull, thoughtless job....

Yet now that I am here I have the taste of how hard it is. how hard it actually is. to care every single day.
Sometimes I long for that dull, thoughtless job.

I need to find my own. a balance between all the things that haunt me.
Who am i.
what do i really want.

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 12/15/2009 @ 01PM ]
So right now I'm with my group in the library.
I am so frustrated.
they are incrediably slow.
we've been here for over an hour and half --- and have done NOTHING of substance.
I am furstrateddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

dear god, i hate group work.
why should i put my grade in your hands?
your idiotic, unfocused hands.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 11/04/2009 @ 12PM ]
[ mood | lost. ]


I don't know what to think about things.
what to think about myself.

Am i connecting mysterious, unrelated dots and trying to prove a non-existant constellation?
then why does it appear to make sense in some really fucked up way?


Last night i wanted to call someone.
not one person did i call.
could i call.

im too busy to keep friends of any kind.
they all end up hating me because i cannot relate/hang/talk consistently.
i go months without talking to anyone.
i really like them, i am just too tired.
too frustrated.
too annoyed.
too exhausted.

what happens when you don't have a life and want to escape from that no-life-life?
maybe alcohol.

my head is scrambled with puzzlepieces
lost pieces that belong to numerous different pictures
lost pieces that do not in any way fit together.
i get lost a lot.

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 08/20/2009 @ 10PM ]
this proves it unequivocally.

there must be something wrong with me.

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 07/30/2009 @ 12PM ]
I feel depressed everyday.
No breaks.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

scrambled. [posted on: 06/27/2009 @ 01PM ]
[ mood | cynical ]

I would a million times over prefer to listen to someone's problem than think about my own.

i wonder what the term is for a hypochondriac that worries about mental health excessively?
the battle from over-thinking for the sake of sanity is ruining my life.

why can't i just ... make decisions.

my best friends keep abandoning me and i am left with these numb scars.
scars that have healed; created a tough tissue now acting as a shield.
I suffer now because I can't get past this.
Even to people I Love.

This is becoming a burden that is hard to bare.

I've done nothing but have successes in my life - constantly growing and achieving faster than anyone parallel to my world.
Yet I have no one to share this with, really.
I know he loves me, but i also know it's hard to keep interested in things that are uninteresting.
Sure, something are easy. but not the full scope.

I just feel like I have constant inner-dialogue, and that is how I manage daily.
Cyclothymic Disorder seems most fitting.
Or am I dreaming this all to justify my need for psychological reasoning?

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 02/28/2009 @ 10PM ]
if you want to involuntarily cry a lot (in a good way)

watch "underdog to wonderdog" on animal planet.

....im so not kidding.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 10/13/2008 @ 09PM ]
I guess I don't know how to solve my problem.

I wish i had somebody who could help me.

but i don't think they could if they wanted to.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 09/04/2008 @ 07PM ]
[ mood | cynical ]

I guess sometimes I just feel crazy.
crazy as in I postively do not know how I am going to react to anything.
crazy is the word their eyes scream when I make any interaction.
I can't help it mostly. I really can't.

I'm in a consistant terrible mood for no apparent reason.
I lack everything except attitude.
lack concern. lack motivation. lack lacking.

I avoid as much human contact as I can.
mostly just because I will have to explain Myself.

Only certain People I feel good around.
when I am like this.

but I can't demand People's time.
I can't force Them to spend time with me.
I don't want to do that.

[but i wish i could.]

it's not Their fault.
I treat them awfully some times.

I'm sure I will have fun in Chicago.

I hope I have fun in Chicago.

I wish I could just stay in my bed all weekend.

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 08/17/2008 @ 01PM ]
I ab-so-lutely cannot wait til school starts.

cannot cannot cannot.

i am happy to have what friends i do.
they are all good people.
genuine, i think.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 07/16/2008 @ 02AM ]


wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

clarity [posted on: 07/13/2008 @ 04AM ]
fair warning this is going to be a drunk self-deprecating entry.

i know they won't be there for the rest of my life or anything.
but what if they're not there for the real start of my life?
or the preliminary round before the start of my life?

I literally cannot fathom a solitary world.
that is what i fear the most.
but what if it is inevitable?
what if i cannot escape it?
I think things are great, i hope they are great.
what if in years they are not?
what if a sudden something arises.
i don't know.

I fear the unkown future.
my future.

with everyone neuron i want to trust people.
and i do.
but what if down the roadi am fooling myself?

I barely have close friends anymore.
'close' is the best i get.
no 'best'.
i wish there were.

even when i go out, i just sit there and am more of a spectator than a interactionist.
i feel like this is a bad cycle to start.
but i'm already halfway through i cna't change my motion now.

people i used to be close with have drifted apart.
i am too scared to be closer with anyone i already am with.
so i find faults. of course. 

it just feels like its been a realllyyyyy long time since i've found someone i can be best friends with.
and my track record is not good.
literally if you want to move 4+ hours away from me in a short time, become bests.


starting tomorrow i have off until wednesday.
i think i am going to go up north.
even though no one else is there.
a good couple of days with a good couple of books is my plan for a while.


im sorry.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 06/20/2008 @ 04PM ]
[ mood | gloomy ]


Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, dont help them to bury the light
Dont give in without a fight.

The song "landslide" makes me cry.
^that wasn't landslide. but it still makes me cry.

I don't have very many people I can get along with.
I seem to bite people's heads off.
Or while they're talking thats all I can think about to restrain me from actually doing it.

I feel sincerely lucky to have him.
I never thought I could ever find someone so perfect for me.
Like, it's disgusting how perfect.

I don't want to be crazy.
I am so scared it might happen I can't even think about it.
...only all i ever do is think about it.

I haven't written to you in a long time, lj.
I think I need to rethink your absence in my life.
I'm fairly sure my absence has erased devouted readers, so I should be ok.

Children get older,
And I'm getting older too.

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;; 5

[posted on: 02/20/2008 @ 11AM ]
[ mood | better ]

 Yeah, so im still not over it...
but a good talk helps.
even though i struggle to find words.
i guess my biggest problem is to find someone who i can stand and actually cares enough about me to listen to me. like really listen. and as much as people preach it and offer their ear (im guilty of it too) they really don't care.
i don't like to do it in the first place, so its even harder when i know you don't wanna listen.
it's not a big deal.
i feel better now.

oh well.

i just studied all night for my two midterms today in my hardest classes: grammar and anti-war lit.
we'll see how lit goes, but grammar i just rocked the shit out of :D (thank God)
tonight is hanging with miss kavster.
i want to hang out with seedster too.
i just don't have enough time, really.


i have break next week!!! so i hope to pound it out!
Seriously i am SO excited for break. all i have to do is work!?
I AM GOING TO BE SO HAPPY. today is pretty damn stressful for me,
but AFTER today it is going to be so much better for me!
i am trying to be optimistic, here.

cloves are the best thing, when im stressed.
i had had suspicions before, but i am 98% sure.
nicotine is good for something, afterall.
but then when im not stressed anymore, they repulse me.
what a waste of $

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;; 1

[posted on: 02/19/2008 @ 09PM ]
 I'm feeling much better about things.

nothing has been fixed, so its not going to go away...

but at least i feel better now.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 02/18/2008 @ 11PM ]
 I don't know who i am anymore.
how did this downward spiral happen?
im not a sad person.
am i? i am now.
in general. over the last two years.

ive thought about it all day (+)
i can't help it.
thinking about it.
history always repeats itself.
and i can never help it.

i am as much ashamed as i am worried.
wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 02/18/2008 @ 03PM ]
[ mood | crappy ]

I have little to say that makes sense anymore.
I guess it's kind of hard for me to articulate.
I know where i am, what im doing, why im doing it.
but i'm still not...anywhere in particular.
i guess its kind of hard for me to even articulate it to myself.
i don't even consciously think about it...it usually hits me while driving.

i don't know where i belong, i guess, is the jist.
im a kid, ive always felt older.
i love education, but i have no motivation.
i want to do theatre, but restrict its presence in my life.
almost everyone i talk to i can relate to on a very basic level.
i don't strive to become friends with anyone.
not at school, not even people i hang out with.
after 20 minutes i just feel like..............
"okay i think we're done here"

this is not overwhelming at all.

and there are these other things.
little things that bother me.
i just don't trust anyone.
and some decisions don't ease this.
sometimes i just think people are after more than they will admit to.
subconsciously or not.
it kind of upsets me.

then i just try to say, 'don't be dumb'
it helps for a while.
but not for very long.

im giving up for now.
none of this makes sense to me.

i feel like im paying for my sins.

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 01/27/2008 @ 08AM ]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i've been struggling with this for a while.
this subconscious thing that manifests itself almost daily in my life.
it swims through my brain and resurfaces for air (and acknowledgment) throughout the day.
it burrows in my dreams.
i get it, i know it. but...
every time i get close, i freeze.
i am just unsure.
i mean, im not unsure, but i am unsure of the implications.
i just don't want it to cause an uncomfortable space that wasn't there before.
i hope it wouldn't, but you never know...
and am i sure?
im sure im sure.

i just don't like making mistakes.

[who doesn't?]

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

[posted on: 01/22/2008 @ 12AM ]
[ mood | contemplative ]

 Man, i wish i could just tell her.
ya know, "hey im pretty sure you should open up your eyes"

but i can't say anything.
she will just hold it against me because she doesn't want to see it.
she will just think im being mean about him or whatever.

listen, i don't care about him.
i care about you.
and the decisions you make, and your happiness.

do not change yourself for him.
change your habits, likes, dislikes, general attitude towards everyone else.
just to mirror his?
that bullshit.
as fucking cliche as it is real love means accepting that person for who they ARE.
not who they are when they are around that person.

I guess i just don't want you to get hurt again.
i've seen you go through so much pain.
and i've tried to be supportive and help you through those times.

but what sucks the most is:
we, together, have been through so much.
so why can't i talk to you now?
i don't think you will listen to me at all...
how come you could listen to me before, but not now?

i just feel like it is more distance between us.
as if there already isn't enough...

honor and intergrity are things he preaches,
but never have i ONCE seen him display any of these traits.
In fact, it is usually the opposite.

you'd think if everyone agrees, you'd listen....

as a good, once best, friend i feel like its my responsibilty to tell you HEY WATCH OUT.
isn't it?? thats what friends do, right?
if i know certain things i should tell you, right??
but i am positive it will all turn against me.
people only believe what they want to believe and they see things the same way.
i am almost positive you will choose him over me.

i guess the bottom line is i care about you too much to say anything that would cause more tension between us.
and i know it would do that.
but man, do i wish every day that i could tell you.
or at least have a dialogue with you about it.
just to find out more.
but you are on the defense because you know i do not approve.

what a mess.
i wish it could be another way because i really like you as a friend.
but i think this may be the end of close friendship.

but i really hope not :|

wanna see what i can do with my nuts? ;;

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