karen (neverheardofher) wrote,


fair warning this is going to be a drunk self-deprecating entry.

i know they won't be there for the rest of my life or anything.
but what if they're not there for the real start of my life?
or the preliminary round before the start of my life?

I literally cannot fathom a solitary world.
that is what i fear the most.
but what if it is inevitable?
what if i cannot escape it?
I think things are great, i hope they are great.
what if in years they are not?
what if a sudden something arises.
i don't know.

I fear the unkown future.
my future.

with everyone neuron i want to trust people.
and i do.
but what if down the roadi am fooling myself?

I barely have close friends anymore.
'close' is the best i get.
no 'best'.
i wish there were.

even when i go out, i just sit there and am more of a spectator than a interactionist.
i feel like this is a bad cycle to start.
but i'm already halfway through i cna't change my motion now.

people i used to be close with have drifted apart.
i am too scared to be closer with anyone i already am with.
so i find faults. of course. 

it just feels like its been a realllyyyyy long time since i've found someone i can be best friends with.
and my track record is not good.
literally if you want to move 4+ hours away from me in a short time, become bests.


starting tomorrow i have off until wednesday.
i think i am going to go up north.
even though no one else is there.
a good couple of days with a good couple of books is my plan for a while.


im sorry.
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