karen (neverheardofher) wrote,

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mixed media(thoughts)...

I'm busy. very busy. (but I've always been).
I find it hard to make time to hang out with people. (I have time).
I find it hard to be motivated enough to hang out with people. (I want to).

I know who I was - at one short time in my life not very long ago.
I am not sure who I am now.

I feel as though I am the same person.
But I do not act the same.

In any social situation (teacher's lounge, retreat with old comrades, etc.),
I find myself listening to conversations and tricking myself into thinking I am involved in them.
During this time of listening, I feel content - I listen and have my own thoughts in my head.
I do not verbalize them.
Yet, I do not actually realize I do not say these thoughts.
I leave the event feeling as though I have shared the discussion.

Outsider is what I feel like, in the end.
People do not know who I am.
I do not know who I am.

In the end I can convince myself it is because I never hang out with people anymore and that I am too busy to keep up my social skills - yet this is an excuse that I hardly buy myself.

Growing up I always, always  dreamed of having a profession - something that is a constant challenge and learning opportunity. How boring life would be at a dull, thoughtless job....

Yet now that I am here I have the taste of how hard it is. how hard it actually is. to care every single day.
Sometimes I long for that dull, thoughtless job.

I need to find my own. a balance between all the things that haunt me.
Who am i.
what do i really want.

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